1980 Ci Europa 4 Berth caravan | eBay
Update it does not include the awning, it is currently MIA. There was an exciting 3 minutes last night when I thought I'd be able to include a hammock but she's keeping that apparently. I've also added a photo to prove my point about the badminton.
www.ebay.co.uk
This was our family caravan, it's in half decent nick considering its age. The skylight leaks but if you know what you're doing it'll be a quick fix and due to strategic bucket placement there is no other impacts to the overall well being of this slightly beige house on wheels.
I'll level with you I don't care if it sells or not, my parents held onto it for years with some crazy notion that I'd want to do it and their old Triumph 2000 up as a project. I don't. I don't want to take up badminton either but it doesn't stop mum constantly trying to convince me to try it.
Anyway Dad died in December and my sister has moved in with her. My sister is the opposite of a hoarder. If you stand still too long in her house you'll find yourself in the bin. She wants the caravan gone and it's somehow become my problem. I've had three months of constant nagging about putting it on eBay and I've finally caved just to get a moment's peace.
Happy to throw in any plates, cutlery, fairy liquid etc that are no doubt in the cupboards "just in case". If you're lucky there might be 80% of a pack of Uno cards in there. There might even be an awning, I'll have to check, if there is then it's included.
You'd be making a slightly dotty 70 year old very happy if you bought it because then she'll be right and she loves that. I told her nobody is going to buy it but she's insistent it might become vintage. It won't.
Sold as seen, no returns, collection only from Lytham St. Anne's. If you get it home and there's a dotty 70 year old locked in the bathroom let me know, we're quite fond of her when she's not making us sell stuff and take up racket sports.
On 05-Apr-22 at 12:57:15 BST, seller added the following information:
***update*** it does not include the awning, it is currently MIA. No doubt she will later find it in the loft and I will have to eBay that too! There was an exciting 3 minutes last night when I thought I'd be able to include a hammock but she's keeping that apparently. That said I found an Uno set in my gaffe last night, living alone with no real mates I've no use for it so will include it as an interactive fun experience for your future holidays in this vintage beige caravan. I've also added a photo to prove my point about the badminton.
On 05-Apr-22 at 17:19:25 BST, seller added the following information:
***further update***
Following a call from my Mum while I was at work, (in an office with my boss's boss's boss's boss) I need to update this listing with some further vital information which will no doubt be pivotal to a potential buyers decision making:
1) My mum is not 70! She is 71
2) Racket in the sense of badminton is actually racquet
3) The colour is predominantly off white with a narrow strip of beige
4) It is a Europa not an Elddis
5) I was a late developer and wet the bed several times in this state of the art mobile residence. There is however no subsequent staining due to her strategic use of a rubber sheet. Essentially there is no benefit to her raising this other than to remind me of my difficult early teen years
6) She thinks my use of the term strategic bucket placement is an exaggeration as she simply plonked the bucket under the drip and emptied it regularly. She definitely didn't, she will have made Dad (Dave) do it.
7) My childhood friend John was sick in the awning that she can't find.
There may soon be a further auction where I offer for sale a pedantic 71 year old female. 1 previous husband, prone to sharing humiliating details and making phone calls at grossly inappropriate times (picture now included)
I imagine further updates will follow...
On 05-Apr-22 at 20:50:28 BST, seller added the following information:
***further further update***
In response to some DMs I feel obliged to point out I'm not really planning to auction my mum. For several reasons:
1) I do actually love her and she holds the key to my inheritance (a hammock)
2) it's frowned upon
3) she cleans my bathroom every time she comes round
I will pass on my condolences but sadly no I won't tell her she's a GILF. Not because I don't think she'd appreciate more because I don't want to explain to her what one is or prompt to to once again point out my failure to deliver her any grand children.
On 05-Apr-22 at 23:20:40 BST, seller added the following information:
***ALL PROCEEDS FROM THE SALE WILL GO TO THE BRITISH HEART FOUNDATION IN MEMORY OF DAD (DAVE)***
Who oddly enough used to sell caravans!
I am negotiating hard with Mum to part with the hammock to drive up the price
On 06-Apr-22 at 21:00:17 BST, seller added the following information:
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FML this is turning into a full time job, which might be beneficial now I'm on an action plan for taking personal calls in work time.
The hammock thing has kicked off on the family WhatsApp group. Apparently it belongs to my other sister who emigrated three years ago and she wants to stake a claim. Since she hasn't even thought about it since this advert she can do one, it is now officially included providing the winning bid exceeds £250. The moral of that story is if you're going to emigrate, pack your hammock.
Apparently my niece and nephew have their eye on it but I'll level with you, they're weak and lack aggression so they won't put up much of a fight. Nephew might sulk a bit but that's neither mine nor the buyers problem.
To answer further questions and some Facebook criticism (third hand as I don't do social media)
1) The auction will run its course, mum is too excited by it all now and I'd hate to take away her fun.
2) my hand eye coordination is terrible so I've never taken to sports with moving objects
3) yes I will include the bucket and give brief verbal instructions on its operation
4) I am sorry I didn't give more information about the caravan but thank you to those with greater knowledge than me who have identified it is indeed heritage. For the love of God don't tell mum, I'll never hear the end of it
5) yes you can come and look at it either as a prospective buyer or a caravan enthusiast, Mum is very keen for it to go to a good home I can't promise she won't tell you about every caravan rally it's been to in excruciating detail though. If she offers you a brew I'd only accept it if you like it weak and milky.
6) Yes I am single which mum puts down to my "contraceptive personality"
7) Facebook criticism - I'm sorry about the lack of detail about the actual caravan, as I initially mentioned I was adamant it wouldn't sell and only posted it to get some peace (which I haven't had incidentally). It's a 4 Berth with a bathroom, toilet and sink but no shower. There is a fridge, calor heater and oven/hob. There is a bed at each end, at least one of which has a privacy screen. The carpet is deffo beige, the upholstery is a whimsical willow pattern in shades of burnt umber and brown. There is under seat storage, overhead storage and a wardrobe. It was bought in about 1985 by my parents who dragged us on numerous caravan rallies in it seemingly only in winter. It was bought from Dave Baron caravans in Chorley where dad latterly worked weekends selling caravans at weekends in a commission only basis. Thus far I think I've actually been a more successful caravan seller this week than he ever was.
8) Yes I will upload a picture of Dave but he definitely won't be included in the price having been cremated and partially scattered.
So there you have it, heritage 1980 Europa caravan, with bucket and hammock. If you do want to arrange a viewing just message me.
On 07-Apr-22 at 00:19:26 BST, seller added the following information:
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Well this has officially got out of hand! Went to my local tonight and got quizzed about my pubescent bed wetting. Almost as bad as when John (the awning vomitter) told a whole pub about me trying to climb in bed with my sister (the emigrant) and her fiancé while naked.
No I don't know what colour the bucket is, it might even be a washing up bowl. It's a plastic recepticle that gathers water. If I had to guess, I'd probably say beige like the rest of the colour scheme.
Yes you can photograph the off white, with hints of beige condominium on wheels with no obligation to buy.
I will ask my brother in law to check the loft tomorrow for the awning, from memory it was green with a beige roof. Please don't get your hopes up he has my mum and two young children to contend with.
I don't know what ferrous oxide is, I was banned from chemistry after accidentally setting a fellow pupil's hair on fire. Well that and other incidents like filling test tubes from the gas tap and exploding them when doing the hydrogen "squeaky pop test". In my defence, as a teenage bed wetter with ears that made me look like the FA cup I had to make myself popular somehow.
I'll do you a deal, if it has ferrous oxide and that's a good thing I won't charge you extra. If it's a bad thing it is still sold as seen, maybe bring a trailer?
Neither sister is talking to me because of my anti hoarding comment an my frivolous giving away of the hammock. My mum has googled GILF and is scarily smug/excited for such a recent widow. This offer for sale is not having many positives for me right now.
Please can you now keep your enquiries to things like "how many windows does it have?" My marital status, being overweight and 42 shouldn't impact on your decision to buy a mobile Shangri-la.
In case my original advert didn't make it clear, I have zero interest in the caravan, be it heritage, vintage or bloody cribbage. Had my parents not squandered their savings on it I might have had a holiday with sun and beaches before I was 18.
I have to sleep now and won't be able to use my phone at work tomorrow thanks to my earlier transgression. I'm still really grateful for your interest though and maybe if you have no genuine interest in terrible holidays you could just make a donation to British Heart Foundation x
On 07-Apr-22 at 13:39:23 BST, seller added the following information:
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Lunchtime, hiding in the toilet to use my phone.
Somehow a caravan that I hate has received more views than my entire social media accounts did when I had them by about 9850. 10,000 views which is 9988 more views than my beach body pic got in 2019 when I was less fat. What a sobering thought.
Anyway, big news, a nice man from Blackpool which is at best a rarity and at worst a total oxymoron is coming to view the caravan. So those of you who are interested have real life competition to a) win the bidding and b) meet my mum.
10000 views, 476 questions, 24 caravan related questions and 1 genuinely interested buyer. I almost feel vindicated. Can I tell mum that the caravan is not what people care about and save face?
Got a bit excited earlier when I thought I'd found some leftover Spam in the fridge for breakfast. Turns out it was the disgusting vegan flapjack I made 3 weeks ago. That empty roller coaster is in no way related to the caravan but since you're reading this anyway I feel relieved to have shared my disappointment.
I've been contacted by a debut author named Natalie Chandler who has asked me to plug her book. She offered me several bottles of Amarone to attach a hyperlink. I negotiated a donation to British Heart Foundation instead (plus one bottle of Amarone because functioning alcoholics never look a gift horse in the mouth).
Here it is Believe Me Not: A compulsive and totally unputdownable edge-of-your-seat psychological thriller: Amazon.co.uk: Chandler, Natalie: 9781472291721: Books
I actually know the author, she bores me to tears with stories about her new puppy regularly. I have read the book and begrudgingly, considering how annoying I find her, I must admit it's really good. If nothing else it would absolutely improve a caravan holiday between bucket emptying. If the donation doesn't materialise I will soon be auctioning a recently stolen cockapoo.
Typing the word cockapoo has reminded me of a funny story about an aggressive cockatoo severing someone's finger but I've been in this cubicle for 20 minutes so it will have to wait.
On 07-Apr-22 at 19:03:29 BST, seller added the following information:
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Just had a 20 minute chat (listen) with mum on the phone about the man who came to view the beige-mobile. He was a lovely smartly dressed young man, clearly a professional. He's a barber which led to 4 minutes of mum telling me my grandfather used to be a barber but also a bit of a git. I've heard that story more times than this ad has been viewed.
Anyway if you want a lovely, smartly dressed, professional young man to cut your hair and you are local to the Fylde area I can hook you up.
My brother in law has a less positive view of this whole situation and is talking about torching the mini beige Hilton. I wish he'd done that in Sunday it'd have saved me a few hours.
The price has now hit £250 sooooo.......
THE HAMMOCK IS INCLUDED
I'd like to thank the ladies who have contacted me offering a date I'm incredibly flattered but I am, to quote several exes a commitment phobic, emotionally retarded mood hoover. It's only the citalopram that's making me vaguely witty. I'd hate to disappoint anyone with the reality of me. Particular thanks to the lady who used the word misanthropic, I had to Google it but it perfectly describes me.
No I will not be posting a picture of the 2019 beach body, comparing that body to my current body would be the equivalent of seeing this caravan in 1985 in contrast to it's current state. The only way it will see the light of day is following a significant donation to British Heart Foundation. For reference the current bid on the caravan is significant so you'd probably need to have a whip round.
On 07-Apr-22 at 19:10:56 BST, seller added the following information:
It's also a firm no to watersports despite my urinary antecedents
On 07-Apr-22 at 22:19:07 BST, seller added the following information:
Given that there are 16324 more viewers than bidders on this post I'm guessing more people are interested in my miserable life than in the actual caravan. On that basis I'll update you on my evening.
Went to the pub quiz to meet Natalie Chandler (the Beggy Mitchell of authors trying to piggy back my 15 minutes of fame). She didn't turn up because she's editing her second book which is actually way better than the first. This leaves me flying solo but I'm a boring C U Next Tuesday who knows a lot of random facts so I braved it on my own.
It's £10 prize for every round. Round 3 I'm the clear leader but the quiz master declares it a fast track round which means if you're in last place but get one right you go to the top of the table. Question 20 lost me a tenner to a pair of lads who can only be described as thicker than a whale sandwich.
Cue round 4 the final round, the double up round, £20 top prize. Question 20 of 20 I've won by 70 points! Amazing right?
Wrong the quiz master decides to add a bonus question for 100 points. Guess what, I ended up losing by 10 points. I wouldn't mind but it's £5 a pint in here and I was the clear winner. I needed that £20 to pay my tab.
Worry not, I've done a back door boogie am typing this in the car park.
What was my team name? Buy My Caravan!
PS don't buy either of Natalie Chandler's books, she's a flake.
On 07-Apr-22 at 22:21:44 BST, seller added the following information:
PPS I'm going to find out who the quiz master is and name and shame. Don't ever do his speed quiz he's a con artist.
On 07-Apr-22 at 23:11:47 BST, seller added the following information:
Following a question from LozzyLozzyLooLaa, yes I will deliver in person if you pay the extortionate fuel prices and trailer hire. I'll even buy you a beer if your local is cheaper than mine. Given that this auction is costing me £14.99 and all profit goes to charity we will have to find some middle ground.
Debut author Natalie Chandler is adamant she's not a flake.
Nat2020uk has made my hole weak by complimenting me on my mastery of English which mum (Sylv) constantly criticises. Oops whole week.
Lozzy also tells me I'm viral which my experiences as a holiday rep taught me is a bad thing but now it seems good???
Can't leave out snowstar who suggested crowdfund. As previously mentioned I have no social media, I don't use computers. I'm a misanthrope (thank-you aiynrich) I don't watch the news or look on the internet because I already have enough to worry about and don't sleep anyway. I'd suggest rather than me exposing myself to harmful social radiation you just all pop a pound into British Heart Foundation
And now the latest in my inbox: SueBloom
"You should get on social media" - I suck my teeth and say no I definitely shouldn't, I can be ignored in real life.
"Reminded me of Adrian Mole" BURRNNNN
for those unaware of the works of Sue Townsend, Adrian Mole is a perpetual loser who can't get laid..... Oh fair point Sue.
Anyway I'm crouched behind a Seat Leon in the pub car park waiting for the lights to go off so I can slope off home. Keep in touch, donate kindly, and if your dad falls asleep at the drop of a hat while complaining of indigestion, don't take a photo to send to your sister in New Zealand. Drag him to the doctor's he has heart failure x
On 07-Apr-22 at 23:23:38 BST, seller added the following information:
I'm out! My left knee is destroyed from crouching so long but I have a birra morretti glass that I'm planning to put on eBay. Watch this space.
For the 20 people who actually care about the caravan, I have bad news. Sylv tells me the offside light fitting is broken because my uncle Phil leaned on it. I can categorically say he was probably pissed and didn't do it on purpose.
On 07-Apr-22 at 23:38:01 BST, seller added the following information:
I'm home safe but my tortoise (Michelle) has done a whoopsie on the carpet. It never ends
On 08-Apr-22 at 11:51:52 BST, seller added the following information:
I've only just realised eBay insert page breaks so I was wasting my time doing this ******* between posts.
A lot of people have asked for a link to the British Heart Foundation so I have googled British Heart Foundation on their behalf and copied the link. I can't help but think it would be more efficient for them to Google it themselves instead of messaging me but frankly I'm glad of the attention.
www.bhf.org.uk
I will definitely consider selling the Triumph though I might have to do it behind Mum's back she's obsessed with it. There is something I should tell you about the triumph before you get too excited though. A few years back mum and dad spent a fair wedge of my inheritance on new gates and garage doors. I mean it cost an absolute fortune.
Anyway having given him the instructions they left the joiner to it and went away in their motorhome (yes there's a motorhome too, more inheritance gone). On their return the gates and garage doors are finished and in all fairness he'd done a brilliant job. Except the point where the joiner casually says "oh I couldn't get the garage doors shut so I cut a bit off the front of the car with an angle grinder"
Needless to say they paid him in full!!!!
www.bhf.org.uk
On 08-Apr-22 at 12:41:12 BST, seller added the following information:
Life just got crazier, either I'm going to be on BBC 5 LIVE at 6pm or someone's just pulled off an amazing wind up. I think it's real though because I don't know anyone as posh sounding as the lady who I spoke to.
On 08-Apr-22 at 13:18:50 BST, seller added the following information:
My favourite question so far:
If/when you do auction your mum can you include my sister?
Their description made me laugh-
Skinny, single, constantly hums under her breath and moans about every tv show that she watches ( and doesn’t turn off) !!! Definitely no return once she’s left!
On 08-Apr-22 at 21:39:35 BST, seller added the following information:
Sooooo, there still appears to be some confusion about what I'm selling, it's a caravan, a dragmebedalong, tin tent, mobile home minus an engine, waste of inheritance. Not everything in the pictures is included, you won't be getting the 71 year old GILF, nor the Dead Dad and sadly no not the book as it's not released until June. The only extras are the Hammock and the Uno.
If you want a book before June and are actually bidding on the caravan then I will include a selection of my favourite paperbacks.
The toilet roll in the bathroom is included, I don't know if it's aloe Vera and I have neither the time nor the inclination to a) engage in a 20 minute call to mum where I painstakingly explain the question or; b) drive to Lytham and sniff it. It's probably been there a good few years so please don't let it be a deal breaker if you're on the fence whether to bid.
I do have 7 rolls of Lidl cocoa butter bung fodder and will part with one if it's that important to you.
Well what a day, had 100000 views, an appearance on BBC Five Live and the caravan is approaching what I reckon my parents paid for it. I'm starting to regret my philanthropic offer of donating to BHF now. I could have had a holiday out if this! To cap it all I've just been proposed to but I've paid too much into my pension to risk that.
Have I considered writing comedy, funnily enough I once co-wrote a screen play for a sitcom with a friend (he did most of it) but the BBC weren't interested.
I feel like I've run out of funny today and may have to resort to telling the tale of my teenage porn empire. Failing that I'll just start uploading the hilarious things mum says innocently that are massive double entendres, I am seeing her tomorrow so I have no doubt there'll be some belters. Maybe an opinion poll is required? DM with your requests.
On a more serious note, thank you to all the people who have bravely messaged about their own use of citalopram (other happy pills are available). It is not a sign of weakness, if anything it's a sign of strength. Talk more and worry less.
There is a sequel in the making as the Triumph 2000 may now be for sale, negotiations are ongoing. The stories I could tell you about that car!!!
On 09-Apr-22 at 13:48:20 BST, seller added the following information:
Sorry updates are a bit sparse I'm trying to reply to a near constant stream of messages and questions including but not limited to:
1) Does the water tank have a flux capacitor - no because it doesn't have a water tank. The plumbing operates on a very rudimentary system whereby a very large water bottle is begrudgingly dragged by a 7 year old to a stand pipe in a freezing field filled with cow excrement. It is then filled and once it is made insanely heavy it is dragged back to the caravan by a now near hypothermic 7 year old and connected to a pipe under the caravan.
2) would it act as a Faraday cage in a lightning strike - I don't think this person knows what a Faraday cage is. I do know what it is and it has cock all to do with lightning strikes.
3) could it be converted into a mobile toilet on a burgeoning alpaca farm owned by owned by Mark and EP - I think this would largely depend on whether it was intended for use by visitors or the alpacas. Yes to the former no to the latter
4) Does my mum have all her own teeth, I prefer my pensioners gummy - hang your head in shame she just lost her husband of 50 years.
5) are you still single - oddly yes, partly down to my aforementioned personality and this week down to spending 80% of my waking life answering what I would call stupid questions. I can't call them that though because I believe very firmly that there are no stupid questions - only stupid people.
6) will your mum accept bitcoin for a lap dance- well she is quite a mover but it will cost two bitcoins and I'm not sure how you'd tuck them into her cotton granny pants.
The other reason for a slow down in updates is that mum and I are currently spring cleaning my house and having a catch up. This catch up mainly involves mum werretting that the price is now too high and that the caravan actually isn't worth that much money and it will be left in our garden. Should that happen I imagine my Brother in Law will be digging a shallow grave for the time waster, poor bloke is at his wits end.
I'm only managing to write this update because I've told mum I'm going for a haircut ahead of my Birthday party tonight. It's at Marvin's in Lytham if you want to buy me an extortionately priced pint of Guinness. Full disclosure though there are nicer extortionately priced bars such as The Grove, The Deacon and Barrique.
I'm actually having a sneaky pint in the beer garden though shhhhh.
I am trying to reply to every message particularly from those who have kindly made donations to BHF. If I have missed you it isn't deliberate there are just so many, I am nonetheless grateful for your contact and contribution.
On 09-Apr-22 at 18:38:02 BST, seller added the following information:
Being a bit lazy here but I DGAF, I'm really busy today so I'm copying and pasting a couple of messages received today that really tickled me and I felt obliged to share. If you thought my prose was funny you should read these messages received a few hours apart:
1) Alright.
Just wondering whether you might accept a part-exchange on the tin tent? I’ve got a Robin Reli-it-ain’t, slightly off kilter due to years of ferrying a corpulent relative around (thank christ McDonalds Drive Thrus weren’t a thing in the 80s - enthusiastically reaching for a whopper would have tilted that bad boy a-cropper).
Anyway, let me know. Sold by a middle-aged woman with a bad Bristolian accent (is there a good one, you ask?!) and worse attitude, and a cider problem (supply and demand).
I too also possess a chronic contraceptive personality.. I’d say let’s start some kind of club, but that’s going to be as much fun as sparking a conversation in the Dignitas waiting room........
2) .....You’re not up for the Reliant. I understand. Tbh I still hold my head at a 30 degree angle, like I’m in a permanent state of inquisitiveness from years of driving on the wonk.
But I’m keen. It’s in the details. The vintage aloe vera turd tickets threw me back to the time I got conned into selling aloe vera, on the promise I’d amass the fortune of a Saudi prince. Turns out that sticky gel is a tricky sell, and I’m still skint and miserable.
So, needless to say the super yacht order was cancelled. Hence looking at more modest recreational accommodation.
Although I’ll level with you: my insurance gig ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m actually thinking of become an urban pharmacologist. If that natty little TV show about a science teacher-turned-drug-lord taught me anything it’s that I first need to acquire an RV. This, however, is not the US and so my search leads me to look at acquire a quaint Cornish-Riviera-Maccano-bed-mobile. Although to be frank, that’s less “Breaking Bad” and more “Flipping Sad”.
The beige banisher of bliss. An engine-less vacuum of joy. Coincidently both statements are lifted from my Tinder profile. Anybody who persists to message me despite that is either desperate or a serial killer. I’m okay with a 50/50 chance.
Anyhoo. The fine fibreglass filly. If it comes with a hammock….. in the words of the great philosopher… Liam Gallagher…. it’s Definitely Maybe ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
On 09-Apr-22 at 19:53:26 BST, seller added the following information:
Right I'm off out now. My Birthday wish would be that James Acaster sees this because he's my hero.
On 09-Apr-22 at 20:23:40 BST, seller added the following information:
From Mum: 2000 quid are they f**king mental
On 10-Apr-22 at 10:52:56 BST, seller added the following information:
Send help! I am rough as toast. As I lay in bed this morning it dawned on me that as I parcelled my mum into a taxi at around 11 I agreed to go to church with her. The beer fear of my 20s and 30s wondering who I'd offended, why I had chilli sauce in my hair and how Mandy Dingle's larger sister had got into my bed pales into insignificance compared to this. I can hear the church bells from the beer garden (thank goodness for Sunday Brunch opening times) and am trying to think how I will possibly a) stay awake and b) cover my paint stripping breath for the next hour.
Why is it only hindsight that makes you realise that staying out until 3 am is never a good idea. Anyway I havent got time for a proper update so I'll leave you with this:
If you aren't having to go and be pious this morning, bang Amazon Prime on and watch a cheeky little pilot called The Tab Theory. If you like my humour this is right up your alley, any comedy where a kid gets called a C U Next Tuesday in the opening minutes is a winner in my book!
On 10-Apr-22 at 14:29:58 BST, seller added the following information:
Well with 350,000 views, offers from publishers and writers and having raised thousands of pounds for charity in memory of my late father, I have had my first complaint. My description bored Markandtilly slightly. I would first like to offer my heart felt apologies for storming into your living room and forcing my ramblings onto you. Secondly I'd like to thank you profusely for reminding me why I don't engage with social media. My dad God rest his soul had an adage that springs to mind "Michael, opinions are like arseholes, everybody has them but the need to share them is limited".
Onto other business for the other 349,999 people.
Church was unsurprisingly awful, between the sweats, the fatigue and the desperate stomach cramps brought about by trying to hold my foul smelling Guinness farts in, I found myself engaged in a sing off with some old fella two rows back.
I should point out that I am ridiculously childish. When I heard his booming baritones in what can only assume was an impromptu audition for the choir I simply HAD to try and out volume him. I'm ashamed of myself, particularly as my singing is worse than my badminton and I can never follow the tune of hymns. It didn't stop me trying though, ignoring all the questioning side long glances from mum, I sang so hard that I nearly spewed.
I'm going to try and answer a few regular questions for those who clearly can't access Google.
1) The Five Live thing is here
www.bbc.co.uk
2) Flaky Nat's book is here
Believe Me Not: A compulsive and totally unputdownable edge-of-your-seat psychological thriller Believe Me Not: A compulsive and totally unputdownable edge-of-your-seat psychological thriller: Amazon.co.uk: Chandler, Natalie: 9781472291721: Books
3) The programme pilot on prime is here
4) Most importantly the answer to most questions can be found here:
5) No I wouldn't say I'm religious but no harm in hedging my bets and I go so mum doesn't need to go on her Jack Jones.
Actually boring myself with this update so maybe they had a point
I'll level with you I don't care if it sells or not, my parents held onto it for years with some crazy notion that I'd want to do it and their old Triumph 2000 up as a project. I don't. I don't want to take up badminton either but it doesn't stop mum constantly trying to convince me to try it.
Anyway Dad died in December and my sister has moved in with her. My sister is the opposite of a hoarder. If you stand still too long in her house you'll find yourself in the bin. She wants the caravan gone and it's somehow become my problem. I've had three months of constant nagging about putting it on eBay and I've finally caved just to get a moment's peace.
Happy to throw in any plates, cutlery, fairy liquid etc that are no doubt in the cupboards "just in case". If you're lucky there might be 80% of a pack of Uno cards in there. There might even be an awning, I'll have to check, if there is then it's included.
You'd be making a slightly dotty 70 year old very happy if you bought it because then she'll be right and she loves that. I told her nobody is going to buy it but she's insistent it might become vintage. It won't.
Sold as seen, no returns, collection only from Lytham St. Anne's. If you get it home and there's a dotty 70 year old locked in the bathroom let me know, we're quite fond of her when she's not making us sell stuff and take up racket sports.
On 05-Apr-22 at 12:57:15 BST, seller added the following information:
***update*** it does not include the awning, it is currently MIA. No doubt she will later find it in the loft and I will have to eBay that too! There was an exciting 3 minutes last night when I thought I'd be able to include a hammock but she's keeping that apparently. That said I found an Uno set in my gaffe last night, living alone with no real mates I've no use for it so will include it as an interactive fun experience for your future holidays in this vintage beige caravan. I've also added a photo to prove my point about the badminton.
On 05-Apr-22 at 17:19:25 BST, seller added the following information:
***further update***
Following a call from my Mum while I was at work, (in an office with my boss's boss's boss's boss) I need to update this listing with some further vital information which will no doubt be pivotal to a potential buyers decision making:
1) My mum is not 70! She is 71
2) Racket in the sense of badminton is actually racquet
3) The colour is predominantly off white with a narrow strip of beige
4) It is a Europa not an Elddis
5) I was a late developer and wet the bed several times in this state of the art mobile residence. There is however no subsequent staining due to her strategic use of a rubber sheet. Essentially there is no benefit to her raising this other than to remind me of my difficult early teen years
6) She thinks my use of the term strategic bucket placement is an exaggeration as she simply plonked the bucket under the drip and emptied it regularly. She definitely didn't, she will have made Dad (Dave) do it.
7) My childhood friend John was sick in the awning that she can't find.
There may soon be a further auction where I offer for sale a pedantic 71 year old female. 1 previous husband, prone to sharing humiliating details and making phone calls at grossly inappropriate times (picture now included)
I imagine further updates will follow...
On 05-Apr-22 at 20:50:28 BST, seller added the following information:
***further further update***
In response to some DMs I feel obliged to point out I'm not really planning to auction my mum. For several reasons:
1) I do actually love her and she holds the key to my inheritance (a hammock)
2) it's frowned upon
3) she cleans my bathroom every time she comes round
I will pass on my condolences but sadly no I won't tell her she's a GILF. Not because I don't think she'd appreciate more because I don't want to explain to her what one is or prompt to to once again point out my failure to deliver her any grand children.
On 05-Apr-22 at 23:20:40 BST, seller added the following information:
***ALL PROCEEDS FROM THE SALE WILL GO TO THE BRITISH HEART FOUNDATION IN MEMORY OF DAD (DAVE)***
Who oddly enough used to sell caravans!
I am negotiating hard with Mum to part with the hammock to drive up the price
On 06-Apr-22 at 21:00:17 BST, seller added the following information:
**************
FML this is turning into a full time job, which might be beneficial now I'm on an action plan for taking personal calls in work time.
The hammock thing has kicked off on the family WhatsApp group. Apparently it belongs to my other sister who emigrated three years ago and she wants to stake a claim. Since she hasn't even thought about it since this advert she can do one, it is now officially included providing the winning bid exceeds £250. The moral of that story is if you're going to emigrate, pack your hammock.
Apparently my niece and nephew have their eye on it but I'll level with you, they're weak and lack aggression so they won't put up much of a fight. Nephew might sulk a bit but that's neither mine nor the buyers problem.
To answer further questions and some Facebook criticism (third hand as I don't do social media)
1) The auction will run its course, mum is too excited by it all now and I'd hate to take away her fun.
2) my hand eye coordination is terrible so I've never taken to sports with moving objects
3) yes I will include the bucket and give brief verbal instructions on its operation
4) I am sorry I didn't give more information about the caravan but thank you to those with greater knowledge than me who have identified it is indeed heritage. For the love of God don't tell mum, I'll never hear the end of it
5) yes you can come and look at it either as a prospective buyer or a caravan enthusiast, Mum is very keen for it to go to a good home I can't promise she won't tell you about every caravan rally it's been to in excruciating detail though. If she offers you a brew I'd only accept it if you like it weak and milky.
6) Yes I am single which mum puts down to my "contraceptive personality"
7) Facebook criticism - I'm sorry about the lack of detail about the actual caravan, as I initially mentioned I was adamant it wouldn't sell and only posted it to get some peace (which I haven't had incidentally). It's a 4 Berth with a bathroom, toilet and sink but no shower. There is a fridge, calor heater and oven/hob. There is a bed at each end, at least one of which has a privacy screen. The carpet is deffo beige, the upholstery is a whimsical willow pattern in shades of burnt umber and brown. There is under seat storage, overhead storage and a wardrobe. It was bought in about 1985 by my parents who dragged us on numerous caravan rallies in it seemingly only in winter. It was bought from Dave Baron caravans in Chorley where dad latterly worked weekends selling caravans at weekends in a commission only basis. Thus far I think I've actually been a more successful caravan seller this week than he ever was.
8) Yes I will upload a picture of Dave but he definitely won't be included in the price having been cremated and partially scattered.
So there you have it, heritage 1980 Europa caravan, with bucket and hammock. If you do want to arrange a viewing just message me.
On 07-Apr-22 at 00:19:26 BST, seller added the following information:
********************
Well this has officially got out of hand! Went to my local tonight and got quizzed about my pubescent bed wetting. Almost as bad as when John (the awning vomitter) told a whole pub about me trying to climb in bed with my sister (the emigrant) and her fiancé while naked.
No I don't know what colour the bucket is, it might even be a washing up bowl. It's a plastic recepticle that gathers water. If I had to guess, I'd probably say beige like the rest of the colour scheme.
Yes you can photograph the off white, with hints of beige condominium on wheels with no obligation to buy.
I will ask my brother in law to check the loft tomorrow for the awning, from memory it was green with a beige roof. Please don't get your hopes up he has my mum and two young children to contend with.
I don't know what ferrous oxide is, I was banned from chemistry after accidentally setting a fellow pupil's hair on fire. Well that and other incidents like filling test tubes from the gas tap and exploding them when doing the hydrogen "squeaky pop test". In my defence, as a teenage bed wetter with ears that made me look like the FA cup I had to make myself popular somehow.
I'll do you a deal, if it has ferrous oxide and that's a good thing I won't charge you extra. If it's a bad thing it is still sold as seen, maybe bring a trailer?
Neither sister is talking to me because of my anti hoarding comment an my frivolous giving away of the hammock. My mum has googled GILF and is scarily smug/excited for such a recent widow. This offer for sale is not having many positives for me right now.
Please can you now keep your enquiries to things like "how many windows does it have?" My marital status, being overweight and 42 shouldn't impact on your decision to buy a mobile Shangri-la.
In case my original advert didn't make it clear, I have zero interest in the caravan, be it heritage, vintage or bloody cribbage. Had my parents not squandered their savings on it I might have had a holiday with sun and beaches before I was 18.
I have to sleep now and won't be able to use my phone at work tomorrow thanks to my earlier transgression. I'm still really grateful for your interest though and maybe if you have no genuine interest in terrible holidays you could just make a donation to British Heart Foundation x
On 07-Apr-22 at 13:39:23 BST, seller added the following information:
******************
Lunchtime, hiding in the toilet to use my phone.
Somehow a caravan that I hate has received more views than my entire social media accounts did when I had them by about 9850. 10,000 views which is 9988 more views than my beach body pic got in 2019 when I was less fat. What a sobering thought.
Anyway, big news, a nice man from Blackpool which is at best a rarity and at worst a total oxymoron is coming to view the caravan. So those of you who are interested have real life competition to a) win the bidding and b) meet my mum.
10000 views, 476 questions, 24 caravan related questions and 1 genuinely interested buyer. I almost feel vindicated. Can I tell mum that the caravan is not what people care about and save face?
Got a bit excited earlier when I thought I'd found some leftover Spam in the fridge for breakfast. Turns out it was the disgusting vegan flapjack I made 3 weeks ago. That empty roller coaster is in no way related to the caravan but since you're reading this anyway I feel relieved to have shared my disappointment.
I've been contacted by a debut author named Natalie Chandler who has asked me to plug her book. She offered me several bottles of Amarone to attach a hyperlink. I negotiated a donation to British Heart Foundation instead (plus one bottle of Amarone because functioning alcoholics never look a gift horse in the mouth).
Here it is Believe Me Not: A compulsive and totally unputdownable edge-of-your-seat psychological thriller: Amazon.co.uk: Chandler, Natalie: 9781472291721: Books
I actually know the author, she bores me to tears with stories about her new puppy regularly. I have read the book and begrudgingly, considering how annoying I find her, I must admit it's really good. If nothing else it would absolutely improve a caravan holiday between bucket emptying. If the donation doesn't materialise I will soon be auctioning a recently stolen cockapoo.
Typing the word cockapoo has reminded me of a funny story about an aggressive cockatoo severing someone's finger but I've been in this cubicle for 20 minutes so it will have to wait.
On 07-Apr-22 at 19:03:29 BST, seller added the following information:
************************
Just had a 20 minute chat (listen) with mum on the phone about the man who came to view the beige-mobile. He was a lovely smartly dressed young man, clearly a professional. He's a barber which led to 4 minutes of mum telling me my grandfather used to be a barber but also a bit of a git. I've heard that story more times than this ad has been viewed.
Anyway if you want a lovely, smartly dressed, professional young man to cut your hair and you are local to the Fylde area I can hook you up.
My brother in law has a less positive view of this whole situation and is talking about torching the mini beige Hilton. I wish he'd done that in Sunday it'd have saved me a few hours.
The price has now hit £250 sooooo.......
THE HAMMOCK IS INCLUDED
I'd like to thank the ladies who have contacted me offering a date I'm incredibly flattered but I am, to quote several exes a commitment phobic, emotionally retarded mood hoover. It's only the citalopram that's making me vaguely witty. I'd hate to disappoint anyone with the reality of me. Particular thanks to the lady who used the word misanthropic, I had to Google it but it perfectly describes me.
No I will not be posting a picture of the 2019 beach body, comparing that body to my current body would be the equivalent of seeing this caravan in 1985 in contrast to it's current state. The only way it will see the light of day is following a significant donation to British Heart Foundation. For reference the current bid on the caravan is significant so you'd probably need to have a whip round.
On 07-Apr-22 at 19:10:56 BST, seller added the following information:
It's also a firm no to watersports despite my urinary antecedents
On 07-Apr-22 at 22:19:07 BST, seller added the following information:
Given that there are 16324 more viewers than bidders on this post I'm guessing more people are interested in my miserable life than in the actual caravan. On that basis I'll update you on my evening.
Went to the pub quiz to meet Natalie Chandler (the Beggy Mitchell of authors trying to piggy back my 15 minutes of fame). She didn't turn up because she's editing her second book which is actually way better than the first. This leaves me flying solo but I'm a boring C U Next Tuesday who knows a lot of random facts so I braved it on my own.
It's £10 prize for every round. Round 3 I'm the clear leader but the quiz master declares it a fast track round which means if you're in last place but get one right you go to the top of the table. Question 20 lost me a tenner to a pair of lads who can only be described as thicker than a whale sandwich.
Cue round 4 the final round, the double up round, £20 top prize. Question 20 of 20 I've won by 70 points! Amazing right?
Wrong the quiz master decides to add a bonus question for 100 points. Guess what, I ended up losing by 10 points. I wouldn't mind but it's £5 a pint in here and I was the clear winner. I needed that £20 to pay my tab.
Worry not, I've done a back door boogie am typing this in the car park.
What was my team name? Buy My Caravan!
PS don't buy either of Natalie Chandler's books, she's a flake.
On 07-Apr-22 at 22:21:44 BST, seller added the following information:
PPS I'm going to find out who the quiz master is and name and shame. Don't ever do his speed quiz he's a con artist.
On 07-Apr-22 at 23:11:47 BST, seller added the following information:
Following a question from LozzyLozzyLooLaa, yes I will deliver in person if you pay the extortionate fuel prices and trailer hire. I'll even buy you a beer if your local is cheaper than mine. Given that this auction is costing me £14.99 and all profit goes to charity we will have to find some middle ground.
Debut author Natalie Chandler is adamant she's not a flake.
Nat2020uk has made my hole weak by complimenting me on my mastery of English which mum (Sylv) constantly criticises. Oops whole week.
Lozzy also tells me I'm viral which my experiences as a holiday rep taught me is a bad thing but now it seems good???
Can't leave out snowstar who suggested crowdfund. As previously mentioned I have no social media, I don't use computers. I'm a misanthrope (thank-you aiynrich) I don't watch the news or look on the internet because I already have enough to worry about and don't sleep anyway. I'd suggest rather than me exposing myself to harmful social radiation you just all pop a pound into British Heart Foundation
And now the latest in my inbox: SueBloom
"You should get on social media" - I suck my teeth and say no I definitely shouldn't, I can be ignored in real life.
"Reminded me of Adrian Mole" BURRNNNN
for those unaware of the works of Sue Townsend, Adrian Mole is a perpetual loser who can't get laid..... Oh fair point Sue.
Anyway I'm crouched behind a Seat Leon in the pub car park waiting for the lights to go off so I can slope off home. Keep in touch, donate kindly, and if your dad falls asleep at the drop of a hat while complaining of indigestion, don't take a photo to send to your sister in New Zealand. Drag him to the doctor's he has heart failure x
On 07-Apr-22 at 23:23:38 BST, seller added the following information:
I'm out! My left knee is destroyed from crouching so long but I have a birra morretti glass that I'm planning to put on eBay. Watch this space.
For the 20 people who actually care about the caravan, I have bad news. Sylv tells me the offside light fitting is broken because my uncle Phil leaned on it. I can categorically say he was probably pissed and didn't do it on purpose.
On 07-Apr-22 at 23:38:01 BST, seller added the following information:
I'm home safe but my tortoise (Michelle) has done a whoopsie on the carpet. It never ends
On 08-Apr-22 at 11:51:52 BST, seller added the following information:
I've only just realised eBay insert page breaks so I was wasting my time doing this ******* between posts.
A lot of people have asked for a link to the British Heart Foundation so I have googled British Heart Foundation on their behalf and copied the link. I can't help but think it would be more efficient for them to Google it themselves instead of messaging me but frankly I'm glad of the attention.
BHF is funding urgently needed research
We support people living with heart and circulatory diseases. Thanks to your donations, we fund research to give them more time with their loved ones.
I will definitely consider selling the Triumph though I might have to do it behind Mum's back she's obsessed with it. There is something I should tell you about the triumph before you get too excited though. A few years back mum and dad spent a fair wedge of my inheritance on new gates and garage doors. I mean it cost an absolute fortune.
Anyway having given him the instructions they left the joiner to it and went away in their motorhome (yes there's a motorhome too, more inheritance gone). On their return the gates and garage doors are finished and in all fairness he'd done a brilliant job. Except the point where the joiner casually says "oh I couldn't get the garage doors shut so I cut a bit off the front of the car with an angle grinder"
Needless to say they paid him in full!!!!
BHF is funding urgently needed research
We support people living with heart and circulatory diseases. Thanks to your donations, we fund research to give them more time with their loved ones.
Life just got crazier, either I'm going to be on BBC 5 LIVE at 6pm or someone's just pulled off an amazing wind up. I think it's real though because I don't know anyone as posh sounding as the lady who I spoke to.
On 08-Apr-22 at 13:18:50 BST, seller added the following information:
My favourite question so far:
If/when you do auction your mum can you include my sister?
Their description made me laugh-
Skinny, single, constantly hums under her breath and moans about every tv show that she watches ( and doesn’t turn off) !!! Definitely no return once she’s left!
On 08-Apr-22 at 21:39:35 BST, seller added the following information:
Sooooo, there still appears to be some confusion about what I'm selling, it's a caravan, a dragmebedalong, tin tent, mobile home minus an engine, waste of inheritance. Not everything in the pictures is included, you won't be getting the 71 year old GILF, nor the Dead Dad and sadly no not the book as it's not released until June. The only extras are the Hammock and the Uno.
If you want a book before June and are actually bidding on the caravan then I will include a selection of my favourite paperbacks.
The toilet roll in the bathroom is included, I don't know if it's aloe Vera and I have neither the time nor the inclination to a) engage in a 20 minute call to mum where I painstakingly explain the question or; b) drive to Lytham and sniff it. It's probably been there a good few years so please don't let it be a deal breaker if you're on the fence whether to bid.
I do have 7 rolls of Lidl cocoa butter bung fodder and will part with one if it's that important to you.
Well what a day, had 100000 views, an appearance on BBC Five Live and the caravan is approaching what I reckon my parents paid for it. I'm starting to regret my philanthropic offer of donating to BHF now. I could have had a holiday out if this! To cap it all I've just been proposed to but I've paid too much into my pension to risk that.
Have I considered writing comedy, funnily enough I once co-wrote a screen play for a sitcom with a friend (he did most of it) but the BBC weren't interested.
I feel like I've run out of funny today and may have to resort to telling the tale of my teenage porn empire. Failing that I'll just start uploading the hilarious things mum says innocently that are massive double entendres, I am seeing her tomorrow so I have no doubt there'll be some belters. Maybe an opinion poll is required? DM with your requests.
On a more serious note, thank you to all the people who have bravely messaged about their own use of citalopram (other happy pills are available). It is not a sign of weakness, if anything it's a sign of strength. Talk more and worry less.
There is a sequel in the making as the Triumph 2000 may now be for sale, negotiations are ongoing. The stories I could tell you about that car!!!
On 09-Apr-22 at 13:48:20 BST, seller added the following information:
Sorry updates are a bit sparse I'm trying to reply to a near constant stream of messages and questions including but not limited to:
1) Does the water tank have a flux capacitor - no because it doesn't have a water tank. The plumbing operates on a very rudimentary system whereby a very large water bottle is begrudgingly dragged by a 7 year old to a stand pipe in a freezing field filled with cow excrement. It is then filled and once it is made insanely heavy it is dragged back to the caravan by a now near hypothermic 7 year old and connected to a pipe under the caravan.
2) would it act as a Faraday cage in a lightning strike - I don't think this person knows what a Faraday cage is. I do know what it is and it has cock all to do with lightning strikes.
3) could it be converted into a mobile toilet on a burgeoning alpaca farm owned by owned by Mark and EP - I think this would largely depend on whether it was intended for use by visitors or the alpacas. Yes to the former no to the latter
4) Does my mum have all her own teeth, I prefer my pensioners gummy - hang your head in shame she just lost her husband of 50 years.
5) are you still single - oddly yes, partly down to my aforementioned personality and this week down to spending 80% of my waking life answering what I would call stupid questions. I can't call them that though because I believe very firmly that there are no stupid questions - only stupid people.
6) will your mum accept bitcoin for a lap dance- well she is quite a mover but it will cost two bitcoins and I'm not sure how you'd tuck them into her cotton granny pants.
The other reason for a slow down in updates is that mum and I are currently spring cleaning my house and having a catch up. This catch up mainly involves mum werretting that the price is now too high and that the caravan actually isn't worth that much money and it will be left in our garden. Should that happen I imagine my Brother in Law will be digging a shallow grave for the time waster, poor bloke is at his wits end.
I'm only managing to write this update because I've told mum I'm going for a haircut ahead of my Birthday party tonight. It's at Marvin's in Lytham if you want to buy me an extortionately priced pint of Guinness. Full disclosure though there are nicer extortionately priced bars such as The Grove, The Deacon and Barrique.
I'm actually having a sneaky pint in the beer garden though shhhhh.
I am trying to reply to every message particularly from those who have kindly made donations to BHF. If I have missed you it isn't deliberate there are just so many, I am nonetheless grateful for your contact and contribution.
On 09-Apr-22 at 18:38:02 BST, seller added the following information:
Being a bit lazy here but I DGAF, I'm really busy today so I'm copying and pasting a couple of messages received today that really tickled me and I felt obliged to share. If you thought my prose was funny you should read these messages received a few hours apart:
1) Alright.
Just wondering whether you might accept a part-exchange on the tin tent? I’ve got a Robin Reli-it-ain’t, slightly off kilter due to years of ferrying a corpulent relative around (thank christ McDonalds Drive Thrus weren’t a thing in the 80s - enthusiastically reaching for a whopper would have tilted that bad boy a-cropper).
Anyway, let me know. Sold by a middle-aged woman with a bad Bristolian accent (is there a good one, you ask?!) and worse attitude, and a cider problem (supply and demand).
I too also possess a chronic contraceptive personality.. I’d say let’s start some kind of club, but that’s going to be as much fun as sparking a conversation in the Dignitas waiting room........
2) .....You’re not up for the Reliant. I understand. Tbh I still hold my head at a 30 degree angle, like I’m in a permanent state of inquisitiveness from years of driving on the wonk.
But I’m keen. It’s in the details. The vintage aloe vera turd tickets threw me back to the time I got conned into selling aloe vera, on the promise I’d amass the fortune of a Saudi prince. Turns out that sticky gel is a tricky sell, and I’m still skint and miserable.
So, needless to say the super yacht order was cancelled. Hence looking at more modest recreational accommodation.
Although I’ll level with you: my insurance gig ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m actually thinking of become an urban pharmacologist. If that natty little TV show about a science teacher-turned-drug-lord taught me anything it’s that I first need to acquire an RV. This, however, is not the US and so my search leads me to look at acquire a quaint Cornish-Riviera-Maccano-bed-mobile. Although to be frank, that’s less “Breaking Bad” and more “Flipping Sad”.
The beige banisher of bliss. An engine-less vacuum of joy. Coincidently both statements are lifted from my Tinder profile. Anybody who persists to message me despite that is either desperate or a serial killer. I’m okay with a 50/50 chance.
Anyhoo. The fine fibreglass filly. If it comes with a hammock….. in the words of the great philosopher… Liam Gallagher…. it’s Definitely Maybe ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
On 09-Apr-22 at 19:53:26 BST, seller added the following information:
Right I'm off out now. My Birthday wish would be that James Acaster sees this because he's my hero.
On 09-Apr-22 at 20:23:40 BST, seller added the following information:
From Mum: 2000 quid are they f**king mental
On 10-Apr-22 at 10:52:56 BST, seller added the following information:
Send help! I am rough as toast. As I lay in bed this morning it dawned on me that as I parcelled my mum into a taxi at around 11 I agreed to go to church with her. The beer fear of my 20s and 30s wondering who I'd offended, why I had chilli sauce in my hair and how Mandy Dingle's larger sister had got into my bed pales into insignificance compared to this. I can hear the church bells from the beer garden (thank goodness for Sunday Brunch opening times) and am trying to think how I will possibly a) stay awake and b) cover my paint stripping breath for the next hour.
Why is it only hindsight that makes you realise that staying out until 3 am is never a good idea. Anyway I havent got time for a proper update so I'll leave you with this:
If you aren't having to go and be pious this morning, bang Amazon Prime on and watch a cheeky little pilot called The Tab Theory. If you like my humour this is right up your alley, any comedy where a kid gets called a C U Next Tuesday in the opening minutes is a winner in my book!
On 10-Apr-22 at 14:29:58 BST, seller added the following information:
Well with 350,000 views, offers from publishers and writers and having raised thousands of pounds for charity in memory of my late father, I have had my first complaint. My description bored Markandtilly slightly. I would first like to offer my heart felt apologies for storming into your living room and forcing my ramblings onto you. Secondly I'd like to thank you profusely for reminding me why I don't engage with social media. My dad God rest his soul had an adage that springs to mind "Michael, opinions are like arseholes, everybody has them but the need to share them is limited".
Onto other business for the other 349,999 people.
Church was unsurprisingly awful, between the sweats, the fatigue and the desperate stomach cramps brought about by trying to hold my foul smelling Guinness farts in, I found myself engaged in a sing off with some old fella two rows back.
I should point out that I am ridiculously childish. When I heard his booming baritones in what can only assume was an impromptu audition for the choir I simply HAD to try and out volume him. I'm ashamed of myself, particularly as my singing is worse than my badminton and I can never follow the tune of hymns. It didn't stop me trying though, ignoring all the questioning side long glances from mum, I sang so hard that I nearly spewed.
I'm going to try and answer a few regular questions for those who clearly can't access Google.
1) The Five Live thing is here
5 Live Drive - 08/04/2022 - BBC Sounds
A round-up of the day's top news and sport with Tony Livesey and Clare McDonnell.
www.bbc.co.uk
2) Flaky Nat's book is here
Believe Me Not: A compulsive and totally unputdownable edge-of-your-seat psychological thriller Believe Me Not: A compulsive and totally unputdownable edge-of-your-seat psychological thriller: Amazon.co.uk: Chandler, Natalie: 9781472291721: Books
3) The programme pilot on prime is here
4) Most importantly the answer to most questions can be found here:
5) No I wouldn't say I'm religious but no harm in hedging my bets and I go so mum doesn't need to go on her Jack Jones.
Actually boring myself with this update so maybe they had a point
